Disaster in the Making
by The Author Project
Summary: The authors of the FF.net LotR-section have come together to write a joined fic. The result... this. Be afraid, be very afraid... FIRST CHAPTER: Legolas sets out to Rivendell to participate in the council.
1. Legolas's Assignment by Elvea Aure aka A...

~*~ Disaster in the Making ~*~  
  
Elvea's Note: Hello everyone! Let me introduce myself shortly. I'm Elvea Aure aka amanfalathiel, one of the many authors here on FanFiction.net. A little while ago I got the idea of writing a joined fic with the other LotR fanfic authors, and spread the idea around. By now quite a nice group has joined in the project, and all of us are both enthusiastic and curious about the story; where will it lead to? None of us knows, to tell you the truth. The idea, in short, is this: every author writes a chapter and ends with a cliffhanger concerning an important decision. The next author takes off from here and makes the decision as for what will happen next. Basically anything.  
  
A more detailed description is given on the bio page of this account, as well as a link to our Yahoo!-group where you can join discussions on the fic. The Files section of the Yahoo!-group is open to everybody including non-members, so if you're interested in the few rules we have, check them out! You can still participate in the project. I hope that this project will bear good fruit, so that maybe we can do it again in other fandoms as well. *insert evil laughter* As for this chapter: I have no idea where the story will be going, but this is the start with character, setting and time as we decided. Enjoy!  
  
Love, peace and a paperclip,  
  
-xxx- Elvea  
  
Disclaimer: None of the participating authors in this project claims to have come up with any of the locations, characters and other such things mentioned in the story. They belong to Tolkien Enterprises, and some might belong to New Line. We are not gaining profit in any way other than reviews on this story and are writing purely for our own amusement and that of the readers.  
  
Claimer: I own Tinwë, Legolas's younger brother. I came up with him, so don't steal him. You will burn in Angband if you do. Or worse, I will lock you up in my attic with the Elijah-clones who will force you to watch Flipper over and over again. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Uh, yeah... never mind that...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~  
  
Chapter One - Legolas's Assignment  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~  
  
'You wish to see me, father?' the prince asked as he entered the study.  
  
'Yes, I have an errand for you'  
  
'But father, we have servants'  
  
'I don't think you understand, my son. Secrecy is needed, and fast traveling. I can't leave Mirkwood and I need someone to represent me. This is more important than sending a message to the border guards'  
  
'I see... what should I do then?'  
  
'Step a little closer. Nobody must hear'  
  
'Father, this is our own palace. The gates are guarded by magic. Nobody goes in or out without your permission!'  
  
'There was one incident...'  
  
'Bilbo Baggins and the Company of Dwarves... you are right, father... there is a possibility to spies...'  
  
'Even among our own household'  
  
'Traitors? In Mirkwood?'  
  
'The Dark Lord has many spies, many hearts he has corrupted. The shadow has long been over Mirkwood... but step closer, haste is needed...' Hesitatingly the golden-haired prince stepped closer to his father, with hair of equal color. Blue, curious eyes met with green ones, wizened by many long years. 'Isildur's Bane has been found...' the king whispered. The blue eyes grew big.  
  
'ISILDUR'S BANE?!!!'  
  
'Hush! What did I tell you?! The walls may have ears!'  
  
'I'm sorry father.'  
  
'And well you should be. There is a council in Rivendell this autumn, and I want you to go there to represent Mirkwood. It could very well be that the fate of Middle-earth lies in the hands of those present at the council. Remember, Lord Elrond knows where Isildur's Bane is kept. The Enemy must not find out that he knows. Once again, secrecy is needed. I have made some arrangements. You will travel alone and will leave tonight, after nightfall. Nobody knows that you will leave, not even your brother. I have my story ready for those who ask. You travel to Rivendell by horse, as fast as you can. Do not allow delay of any kind. You will take the Pass of Imladris, and if all goes well, Lord Glorfindel will be awaiting you at the west side of the mountains to guide you to the Last Homely House. There you will go to the council, and report everything that has happened here in Mirkwood that is relevant to the council. Even about Gollum. Do you understand?'  
  
The prince swallowed nervously. 'Gollum too? Do I have to? Can't Tinwë go instead?'  
  
'Tinwë? You know better than that, Legolas. He is not serious nor responsible enough for such a task. Surely you wouldn't want to put the fate of Middle-earth in his hands...'  
  
'But father, a journey like that, bearing such a great secret... the journey to Rivendell will face much peril...'  
  
'I thought you were the one fighting by my side at the Battle of Five Armies... but I must be mistaking you for someone brave, I guess...'  
  
'I'll go'  
  
'I knew you would'  
  
~*~  
  
The sun was sinking behind the mountains as the eldest prince of Mirkwood reached the western eaves of the forest. Beautiful he was indeed, being of the Fair Folk, immortal and wise. The last rays of the sun made his hair seem like a waterfall of gold and made the fire within him visible in his clear blue eyes. His steed was built for long journeys, and like its owner, for its race it was fair to look on. Only one thing stopped the picture from being perfect.  
  
The prince looked as if he had just swallowed a lemon. How in the name of the Valar had his father managed to convince him to go on this journey? He knew of the prince's arachnophobia! The Battle of Five Armies, fine. No spiders. But traveling on your own through a forest crowded with the monstrous eight-legged creatures... no thank you, he'd rather face a Balrog. Stupid Morgoth and his stupid creatures. Why oh why did that stupid über-Dark Lord have to hang out with Ungoliant, the foremother of all the ugly spiders that now inhabited Mirkwood? It was all Morgoth's fault anyway. He turned Sauron evil, or at least got him on the side of evil. Which, as known, eventually led to the forging of the One Ring, and that led to the mess he was in now. What was it with those Dark Lords and wanting to rule the world anyway?  
  
He let out a sigh. Why couldn't he just stay home? Father had his loyal counsellor, surely he could go instead... but no, Legolas had to go. He needed an excuse. That council-meeting thing was sure to take all day, knowing Lord Elrond. And knowing Lord Elrond, it was sure to be boring as hell. He could already see himself sitting there, sitting lazily in one of those Rivendell-chairs with his legs spread, staring at that tacky ring and pretending to be listening. Maybe his father was punishing him for something. Or the Valar wanted him dead. Either way, he was stuck with this stupid errand and he needed an excuse to go home.  
  
As the days went by and Mirkwood withdrew further into the distance, Legolas felt his hope fading. He was doomed. Condemned to be at that stupid secret Council of Elrond. What was the Elf Lord planning anyway? A new alliance between Elves and Men? Forget it! That would mean an alliance with rangers, and they don't even properly bathe. For a prince it was just unacceptable to fight at the side of some unwashed greaseballs. And then they wondered why the world of Men was failing.  
  
More days passed and the plains made place for hills, then slowly for mountains. Legolas was now drawing close to the Pass and was, frankly, getting bored with the whole errand. Any excuse would do for him to turn back and skip the council meeting. A high-pitched scream pierced his sensitive ears. As he hurried on along the path he could hear sounds of a skirmish. Not much later he could see a band of orcs fighting a lonely rider like himself. A female rider. DAMSEL IN DISTRESS!!!  
  
His inborn hero nature urged him to rescue this girl. Anyone could see from miles away that she was beautiful. He let out a fierce cry and attacked... except that there weren't any orcs left to attack. The girl had slain them all. Amazing. Carefully he approached.  
  
'Are you alright?' he asked politely.  
  
'Of course I'm not alright!' the girl snapped as if suffering from a bad case of PMS. 'I was attacked by a band of orcs! How do you think I'm doing?!'  
  
'I'm sorry...' Legolas sighed. 'Legolas Greenleaf, prince of Mirkwood' he stuck out his hand to the girl. Her violet eyes met his blue ones and she licked her lips.  
  
'Prince? What joy I take in meeting you... my name is Marinarwenithien...' she batted her eyelashes. Legolas suppressed the urge to shout out in frustration. This female was gorgeous, but highly annoying. So bloody perfect! Almost as perfect as he was... it should not be allowed. And she could rescue herself from a band of orcs. If you can't rescue the women in epic adventure stories, of what other use are they then, apart from hanging on the sideline being pretty? None. They would only get married to the hero in the end anyway.  
  
On second thought... an engagement just might be a good excuse to turn back... but that did mean traveling all the way to eastern Mirkwood with Blahblah What's-Her-Face. Tough choice. She was pretty, but annoyingly perfect, and threatened his chances of being elected prettiest and most perfect creature in the world. He should shove her into the abyss for that.  
  
Coming down to it, he had five options. One, he took her with him to the council and made sure she would annoy every one in Rivendell as well. Especially Arwen, because she was called incarnation of Lúthien and thus the prettiest female ever. Two, he left her behind and went to the council. She could manage on her own. Three, he took her home as his fiancé and annoy all of Mirkwood (including the spiders), but wouldn't have to go to the boring council. Four, he murdered her brutally to get rid of his frustration or the almost similar fifth option; he shoved her into the chasm, went to the council and got probably into more dangerous situations involving spiders of various sizes and other such creatures.  
  
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. But what's a man gotta do?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~  
  
Elvea's Note the Second (also known as the Plea for Reviews): that's it for the first chapter of the project. Ril-gania will be the next author to submit a chapter to this obvious case of PWP, although the rating will not go up because of smut. I hope I've managed to entertain you with this chapter, I'd like to hear your opinion on both the project idea and the story itself. Actually, all the participating authors would like to know. So... well, you know the drill. This is where I go down on my knees and beg. Except for the going down on the knees and begging part, I'm kind of lazy. And if you still want to join in the project: email me at theauthorproject@hotmail.com. Thanks! 


	2. Mmmm Hershey Fruits by Elenya Aurelin

Disclaimer; Yeah, what she said.  
  
A/N Well, s'me. Elenya Aurelin. Ril-gania's computer has a virus, and being the generous soul that she is, has declined her turn, and has passed it straight to ME!!! Yayness! She's explained how this whole thing works, so I can skip that, and merely say: Dulce et decorum est, pro paria mori.  
  
No, it wasn't meant to make sense.  
  
***  
  
~*~ CHAPTER 2 ~*~  
  
As Legolas looked into her deep violet eyes, with a thousand metaphors buzzing round in his head, he knew exactly what he must do.  
  
"Fair maiden! There is a task I am to complete by decree of my father! Please, fair lady, would you do it for me? My senses tell me that you are the only one who may complete this, with your amazing powers and beauty!" he told her, taking her hands in his.  
  
"Good sir, I must say, whatever! I shall do this for thee. I must add, thy hair is most amazing! Like, wow!" she squealed. Legolas shuddered. Then he smiled.  
  
"Maiden, you must trust me. Do you see that chasm?"  
  
"Yes,"  
  
"Walk towards the edge," he said, and followed her. She leant over the edge.  
  
"I can't see anyth- AIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!"  
  
Legolas dusted his hands.  
  
"I love being me."  
  
~*~*~  
  
Later that day, Legolas was wondering if horses were edible. His lembas had fallen into the chasm along with Marinarwhatever. It had, on reflection, been worth it. He decided he could congratulate himself (Loudly, and in front of many adoring people) on ridding the world of a great evil.  
  
The fleeting sensation that he had been unfair crossed his mind. He decided to allay this fear by reciting the family motto.  
  
"He who fights dirty lives and gets to lie about the battle later, He who fights d-," he was interrupted by a beautiful sixteen year old American in tight jeans and a tank top with Mediterranean blue (or were they a startling green?) eyes and a blonde bob (it could, possibly, have been long, raven locks). She opened her mouth.  
  
"I just slaughtered these orcs, and now I. URK!"  
  
Legolas moodily replaced his bow.  
  
"Mwehehehe... aw to hell, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
His horse set off at a gallop, leaving a mound of orc corpses and the even more disgusting body of a Mary-Sue in it's wake.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Finally Legolas arrived at the borders of Rivendell, munching on a strange fruit apparently named 'Hershey' which he had robbed from the dead girl. (Yes, he had gone back after riding & laughing manically for twenty minutes) He rode in, to be greeted by terribly cliché pink rose petals falling into his golden mane.  
  
"OY! GLORFINDEL! STOP IT!" he hollered to the elf, who, armed with a bucket, was the cause of the aphids mating on Legolas' ear.  
  
Passing his steed to a lesser immortal, he looked around. There were several more elves with large yellow plastic buckets emptying petals and aphids onto the heads of new arrivals. Eyeing a flashing neon sign, he realised he yet again had several choices.  
  
Turn round and get the hell out of here.  
  
Stay and bug Arwen by being prettier.  
  
Go to the council, steal the ring and run away laughing.  
  
Go on a killing spree.  
  
(See previous answer)  
  
I *like* sprees.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Plea For Reviews: I'll be short. Review. NOW. 


	3. Damn All Rangers! by Deutzy

*~* OK, I think that everything that needs mentioning has been mentioned. I don't own anything, though I'm still campaigning for a pet hobbit. Sorry this has taken a while, but I've had loads of coursework at the moment, and this is the first spare moment I've had! Anyway… *~*

*~* CHAPTER 3 *~*

After much deliberation, Legolas decided on a mix of most of them. Pulling himself together, he decided it would be most embarrassing and humiliating to turn round and run off, and what would his father think if he appeared back home, having been frightened off by a bunch of elves throwing petals on his head?

The other options could be worked on, however. He would stay, therefore annoying Arwen immensely by receiving all the admirers, male and female alike. He'd go to this damned council, steal the ring while everyone else argued about all the boring, pointless aspects like Sauron ruling Middle-earth, and then go on a killing spree, killing all the spiders in Mirkwood, and any Mary-Sue's that dared stand in his way, before becoming the righteous ruler of Middle-earth. 

*** 

After a day or two in Rivendell, the "being prettier than Arwen" situation began to get rather irritating. Wherever Legolas went, he would leave a mass of gibbering elven adolescents in his wake, waving and blushing in an extremely stupid manner. He would then be accosted by even more of them, and would not be able to move off until he had shared his beauty tips with his assailants.  He had found out one vital fact from this experience, though: a very large percentage of the male Rivendell population was gay. 

To his even greater annoyance, his extreme popularity didn't seem to be annoying "I'm so perfect I'm an almost qualified Mary-Sue" Arwen. Whenever he spotted her, she was with some guy who really _did _need to listen to his beauty advice… especially hair care.

He was tall and rugged; Legolas thought he looked like one of those Rangers that were often spotted wandering around the hills and dales around Rivendell. Only this one looked like a somewhat upper class Ranger. He had heard Elrond say something about Gondor and the heir to the throne, but Legolas didn't believe it. Surely kings, or even heir to kings, should have _some _fashion sense? They should wash their hair at least once a week? This bloke with Arwen obviously didn't. 

And as long as he stole Arwen's attention, Legolas didn't like him. He would be on the top of his list when he stole the ring and went on a killing spree. But in the meantime, he needed to find out some more about this mysterious stranger…


	4. Elvish Aristocracy vs Helpful Hobbits by...

Disclaimer-----I have no idea where this came from. I blame rabid plotbunnies. It's not my fault, not my idea, and mostly not my property. And I'm not making any money off this, either.  
  
Elvish Aristocracy vs. Helpful Hobbits  
  
Yes, Legolas needed more information about the mangy man sniffing around Arwen. So he did what any true blue, red-blooded, well-raised member of Elvish aristocracy would do. He got somebody else to do his dirty work for him.  
  
In this particular instance, the hapless suck........er, that is, the helpful assistants, were two of those funny little midgets he'd been trying to avoid tripping over ever since he'd arrived. Apparently four of the buggers had come in with Scruffy, as Legolas had taken to calling Arwen's ........now let's be polite!....... suitor. But one of them was laid up with some dread disease, or fell wound, or menstrual cramps, or some midget thing Legolas just didn't want to think about. And the other was mostly just hanging around the sick one, making sad, yet obviously slashy, puppy- dog eyes, at the thought that the first midget might kick the bucket. On the upside, this left two perfectly functional midgets who had traveled with Scruffy, and therefore MUST have some dirt on him. Metaphorical dirt, not literal dirt! Honestly, what is wrong with you readers?  
  
Thus, a day or two after spotting Scruffy and Arwen being all nooky-nooky (and in public, no less!), Legolas tracked down the functional midgets. Not that THAT was difficult. There's something of a shortage of midgets in Rivendell, especially when half the midget population is hanging out in one bedroom, either unconscious or wishing they were.  
  
"Yeah, there's nothing going on there, really. And I even believe it, too. Can't you tell?" Legolas muttered to himself as he spied on the laid-up midgets, hoping the functional ones would put in an appearance. "If they got any more obvious, Arwen'd be having to make begemmed banners proclaiming their undying devotion to each other. Gah!"  
  
It wasn't that Legolas had anything AGAINST "True Love" per se, it's just that he was entirely cynical about its actual existence in this reality. In his experience (and he'd had PLENTY of experience!), what most mortals called "love" was just sex wearing fancy dress. Not that there was anything wrong with that, but for Eru's sake, call a spider, a spider!  
  
Anyway, since nobody really cares what Legolas thinks (and there is some debate as to whether he thinks at all), let's go back to the story, shall we? Where was I? Oh! Right! Legolas was about to suck......er, that is PERSUADE Merry and Pippin to help him get the dirt on Aragorn, aka Scruffy.  
  
Sadly, the available midgets never did show up in the sickroom, so the Elven Prince had to look elsewhere. After hunting high and low (and turn that A-ha CD OFF!! The 80's are over, you know), our favorite Elf finally tracked them to the kitchen. Not that that was hard (wait, didn't I say this already?), as all he had to do was trail the crumbs of uneaten food (No, I KNOW I said this already).  
  
Legolas paused at the door to the kitchens. After all, it wouldn't do for the Prince of Mirkwood to be seen skulking around Rivendell's kitchens. Unless, of course, he was conducting intrigue and sneakiness, which he was. So that was all right then.  
  
The Prince sauntered up to the midgets and said grandly, "I need to talk to you!"  
  
The midgets glanced at each other with unmistakable "what is this git smoking?" looks.  
  
"Talk to us about what?" the taller of the two asked.  
  
"I need to know about your companion," Legolas stated.  
  
"Which one?" the smaller of the two wanted to know.  
  
"Yeah, we came in with three, you know. Though I wouldn't recommend bothering Frodo. If Elrond doesn't have your head, Gandalf will. And if you're lucky enough to survive that, Sam'll do something really nasty," the first one said.  
  
"Yeah, and I wouldn't pester Strider, either. He's got something going with that dark-haired hottie of a daughter of Elrond's. I get the distinct impression messing about with that romance would fall firmly on the Bad side of the Good-Bad scale," the other one added.  
  
Legolas, who only very dimly heard the Voice of Reason, pushed right on with his proposal. "Yes, well, that what I wanted to talk to you about. I want you to find out if this Scruf.....er, that is, this man, is worthy of the Evenstar of our people," he said, doing his best to sound impressive.  
  
The midgets exchanged another of their looks. "What's in it for us?" the fatter one asked.  
  
That set Legolas back. He was used to having his every whim granted without question. That someone might want compensation for helping him was beyond his ken. "Er.....the honor of serving the Prince of Mirkwood!" he finally declared.  
  
Both midgets just looked at him, arms crossed, oversized feet tapping in impatience.  
  
"And my undying gratitude?" Legolas added tentatively.  
  
"Yeah, fine, that's nice. That and an empty sack is worth the sack," the bigger one said. "I repeat, what's in it for us?"  
  
Legolas sighed. "What do you want?" he finally asked.  
  
"Extra food from the kitchens!" they both exclaimed immediately.  
  
"Sure," Legolas began to agree. Then he remembered tales he'd heard of how much these things eat. He had to cover his.....reputation. "How MUCH extra food from the kitchens?" he asked.  
  
"Seven meals!" the bigger one grinned.  
  
"Seven? You're out of your mind. One snack," Legolas countered. And the bargaining began.  
  
"Six meals."  
  
"One meal and one snack."  
  
"Five meals, two snacks."  
  
"Nice try. One meal, two snacks. No more."  
  
"Two full meals and one snack, or no info. We won't go lower."  
  
Legolas rolled his eyes. "Fine. When can I expect your report?"  
  
The smaller of the midgets nudged the larger and whispered in his ear. The bigger grinned. "There's just one thing more," he said.  
  
"What?" the elf practically growled.  
  
"We want Elf maidens. One each," the midget declared. The other one leered.  
  
Legolas felt sick. Elf maidens, with these critters? Can we say "Ick"? Still, if it got him what he wanted....  
  
"Do you have any particular Elf maidens in mind?" he asked. His options depended on the answer.  
  
"No, not really, so long as they're hot," the spokesmidget shrugged.  
  
"And willing!" the other one added.  
  
"Right. Hot and willing," the first hobbit repeated.  
  
Legolas sighed in relief. He knew a couple of scullery maids who owed him a favor or three. In fact, these girls were a bit on the bent side (this is why Legolas was willing to do favors for them when he was in Rivendell). They might even like these midgets.  
  
"Very well. I'll see what I can do. What are your names, small ones? If you're going to work for me, I can't very well call you Midget One and Midget Two," Legolas asked sweetly, hoping they wouldn't pick up on the insult.  
  
They didn't. They were too busy thinking of extra food and hot, willing elf chicks to notice, or care if they had noticed.  
  
"I'm Merry, and he's Pippin," the spokesmidget said. "And we're hobbits, not midgets," he added. Apparently they HAD picked that up after all.  
  
"Well, my good hobbits, thank you for your time, and your cooperation. You shall receive your first snack when I get my first dirty secret.......er.....that is, my first information," Legolas concluded, turning to leave.  
  
"Not so fast, elfy-boy!" the spokesmidget, that is, hobbit, whatsisname, Merry, said. "You're not getting anything until we get our food. And at least one night with the girls."  
  
Legolas sighed and rolled his eyes. There was simply no reasoning with these hobbits! Honestly, he really wished he had them back in Mirkwood, and could throw them into a cellar until they felt cooperative. But he wasn't, and couldn't, so he took what he could get.  
  
"Very well. I will speak to the maidens and get back to you later today. You'd better have something for me, or I will change my mind and possibly become very vexed," he said, trying and failing to look intimidating.  
  
The hobbits just giggled. "Oh, we'll have something for you, all right. That's a promise!" the spokeshobbit, Merry, said. Pippin giggled. Legolas ignored them and walked off.  
  
Once the elf was out of earshot, Pippin turned to Merry and demanded "Are you cracked? Strider will rip you limb from limb and beat me with your dead body if he catches us spying on him. And don't even THINK about what he'll do if we get between him and Elrond's hottie of a daughter!"  
  
Merry shook his head. "Pippin, Pippin, Pippin. Did you honestly think I'd stoop to spying on Strider?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Well, yeah, I would, but not for that poncy git of an elf. I've got a plan. Here's what we're gonna do," Merry said. He pulled Pippin in and whispered into his ear. As he whispered, Pippin began to grin, then beam, then laugh out loud.  
  
"Oh, Merry, this will be great!" the younger hobbit giggled. Merry just smirked evilly. That elf had no idea what he'd just gotten himself into.  
A/N----what are Merry and Pippin up to? Will Aragorn find out? Will he wash his hair? Will Legolas ever learn? I have no clue. That is the next author's problem. 


	5. Untitled Chapter as titles are often mis...

Disclaimer: I have no idea what GreyLadyBeast had planned. Oh, and I am a bit of a perv, so I am really sorry, if innuendo is against the rules then. . .oops?  
  
No Title. Titles are Boring, and Often Misleading.  
  
Legolas walked off, feeling quite pleased with himself. He would get the dirt on Scruffer, or whatever his name was, with little to no cost to himself. Smiling, he opened his mouth to whistle a common Elven tune. . .but before he got to the tune, someone got to him. Legolas spit profusely, hoping that hadn't been who he thought it was.  
  
Pushing the thought out of his mind, he continued on to visit Feo and Fao, his "friends" the scullery maids. Un fortunately, they had something else in mind. . ."If you want us to get you extra food," Feo shouted, "you've got another thing coming!"  
  
"And if you want us to do some of your weird friends again, you've definitely got another thing coming!" Fao shouted.  
  
"My dear ladies," Legolas said, flattery being a common tactic with him. "I assure you, they are not my friends."  
  
"You set us up with the repulsive ones," said the scullery maid called Feo, "and then set us up with some of those pretty followers you've got there. And we have a deal!"  
  
"Er. . ." why did everyone want his fangirls? The more there were, the ore Arwen would be annoyed. He had none to spare! What, did people think he just inflated them or something? Only 200 of the 5,687 had been inflated, and they were only for good measure.  
  
"I don't agree to that," Fao said. "I am sick of being a pawn for the prince of smirk-wood. Do your own dirty work."  
  
And as Feo always agreed with Fao, she said, "Yeah."  
  
"All right, then I will!" Legolas said, stalking off. . .and he realized that, this option exhausted, that was what he would have to do.  
  
Meanwhile, the hobbits were getting "the dirt" on Scruffy. "Merry, are you sure you want to just make up a bunch of lies about Strider? After all, he did save Frodo at Weathertop. We could always just ask politely."  
  
"Oh, yes," Merry said sarcastically. "Mr. Strider, sir, Pippin and I were just wondering if you wouldn't mind if we asked you some personal questions. . .why, oh, no reason, just curious. . .he's not stupid. Well, he's not that stupid."  
  
"Yes, but. . .well, what if he found out that we were telling lies about him?"  
  
"Then. . ."  
  
"He would kill us both, violently."  
  
"Nah, Elrond's hottie daughter wouldn't like that."  
  
"How do you know? Some of these hotties. . .weird in the head."  
  
"All right, you win! So what do you suggest we do, instead?" Merry asked, wanting to live to see tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that.  
  
"Well. . ." Pippin leaned in and whispered in Merry's ear. A smile appeared on Merry's face, and kept on growing. . .  
  
"Pippin, you're a genius!" Merry exclaimed.  
  
"There's one I've never heard before," Pippin said, and it was true.  
  
"Come on!" Merry grabbed his hand. "Strider and Elrond's hottie daughter are in the gardens, being all lovey dovey. It's the perfect time!" Merry pulled Pippin through corridor after corridor, then stopped. Pippin was out of breath.  
  
"Is this it?" Pippin asked.  
  
"I'm sure of it. Look, muddy footprints." Only a hobbit would notice such things, as hobbits are very close to the ground. Merry reached for the doorknob. . .  
  
"Wait!" Pippin said. "What about fingerprinting?"  
  
"Not around for another few centuries."  
  
"All right then, go ahead."  
  
Merry turned the knob. . .the door opened! "Behold," Merry whispered, "Strider's room. Get in, quick, and close the door!" Pippin did, shoving the door so hard in closed with a resounding "click". Merry ignored this, snooping about. Finding stuff about Strider wouldn't be too difficult. Already the hobbits could see that he was a total slob, clothes everywhere (and in desperate need of a good washing), the bed was unmade, and--  
  
"Holy cross-dressing, Merry, I think this counts as dirt!"  
  
"Pippin, I think those probably belong to Elrond's hottie daughter. Ooh. . .that's dirt if I ever knew any!"  
  
"What is?" Pippin asked. Off Merry's look, he understood. "Eww. . ."  
  
Just then, the doorknob began to turn. . .it stuck! Merry and Pippin gulped with fear, then the door opened, and standing the doorway was their greatest nightmare.  
  
*****  
  
A/N: What is Merry and Pippin's greatest nightmare? How literally will Legolas take the phrase "do it yourself"? Will Merry and Pippin get even more dirt on Strider? Will Elrond find out that Strider and Arwen have been, uh. . .yeah. . .? Tune in next week! (I've always wanted to say that) 


	6. And now for a short break by Eowyn of th...

I just realised today (i.e. Sat. 7th) that I'm supposed to be writing… yeah I have a whole list of excuses… but *ahem* you don't want to hear them…

Disclaimer: No they're not mine, and I'm sorry in advance for my writing.

That is all. Apart from: GO WEB GO!

And no hobbits were harmed in the production of this writing… story… thing…

_~*~_

…and standing in the hallway was their greatest nightmare… in fact it was so horrible that they both went into a pathological state of shock, had to be shot with a tranquliser gun and had to be taken to the Rivendell A& E.

What was this horrible fiend? I wouldn't want to scare the readers but… just so you know… it's 6ft tall, pinky-purple with green spots and it's a dinosaur with a sickeningly 'nice' outlook on life. If you see it stay away! Don't say I haven't warned you…

Merry looked at Pippin, who was sitting on the floor, shaking, and rocking backwards and forwards.

"Hey it's all right man, it's not going to spread peace and love while I'm around."

Pippin looked at Merry in a friendly brotherly-love kind of way – the sort of look that makes slash writers be glad that they're alive.

Merry might have said something else, perhaps reveal a deep dark secret, or maybe just added a nonchalent comment.. but Arwen walked in with a particularly unpleasant look on her face.

That isn't to say her face looked unpleasant, because being an elven beauty even when she walks into rooms with unpleasant looks on her face she still looks all pretty and lovely.

Just not quite so pretty and lovely.

"Did Legolas pay you to search Aragorn's room?" She demanded, picking Pippin up by his braces.

That is to say the things that held his trousers (a/n pants for all you lovely americans) up, and not made his teeth nice and straight. 

Because that would be just stupid.. Right?

"Well that would depend who Aragorn was." Pointed out Merry.

Arwen glared. 

"Describe him…?" Gulped Pippin, still dangling 5ft above the floor.

"Well… he has nice eyes… and arms… and a great body!" Arwen said enthusiastically

Merry looked deadpan.

"And you know him as Strider." She said, annoyed that they hadn't even bothered to read the great article about her and Aragorn in "Hello' magazine.

Merry continued to looked deadpan

"And messy hair…?"

"Oh yeah! Him…" Said Merry. Arwen dropped Pippin and looked at Merry.

"And?"

"And?" Said Merry, a little puzzled where this coversation was going.

"And did you search his room?" Arwen looked like she was going to eat one (or both) of the Hobbits alive soon. In a well-mannered way of course.

Merry looked at Pip, who nodded, then fainted.

"Yeah..."

Arwen leaned closer.

"Did Legolas tell you to?"

"Uhhh… Yes?"

Arwen sweared. Then she sweared again. Then she uttered a long string of Elven expletives which, with a few words exchanged for nicer ones, probably translated to something like: "That nasty bunny-rabbit puppy-Elf is bunny-rabbit jealous of me. I'll get the bunny-rabbit puppy fluffy-kitten back for this."

But of course, since she was an Elven beauty her voice sounded like bells ringing in the wind even while she said all those charming things.

She stormed out the room and slammed the door which caused Pippin to start having a seizure. 

Merry shrugged and started eating a Mars Bar.

_~*~_

Meanwhile….

Legolas was not pleased with the Midgets' work. In fact, he wasn't really pleased with anything, being the grumpy elf that he is. 

But he decided, since he was all alone, with the attention focused on him, it was an excellent time to say a Soliloquy, although unfortunately he couldn't think of one for himself so he started quoting Hamlet. But then, when he forgot the part after "To be or not to be?" he gave up and brutally murdered a passing slave girl just for the hell of it.

He stormed off dramatically to his room to get changed out of his robes, which were stained with blood, smashed brain and other (edible) body parts and made a note for the slave to take them to the dry cleaners.

He paused, then booby-trapped the note so he could kill the slave as well and left.

Back in the corridors of Rivendell he finally met up with the scruffy dude Arwen seemed to have 'an interest' in.

"Hi." Said Aragorn as he wandered casually down the corridor.

"Hi." Said Legolas, then he realised who it was and stuck a "kick-me" sign on Aragorn's back.

Am I really that immature? He asked himself.

YES! Everything inside him screamed. He shrugged and continued walking down the corridor.

When he had finally reached somewhere that wasn't a Corridor. He saw Arwen approach.

And she was not a happy bunny.

"Hello Leg-o-las." She said stiffly.

Legolas scratched the back of his neck. "Gee.. hi Arwen."

At that moment a gunshot and a scream issued from the general direction of Legolas's room. He smiled evily.

(Cue camera close-up on his evily-smiling face)

"Excuse me? This is my revenge scene!" Screamed Arwen "And I intend on getting my revenge good and proper." From her cloak she brought forth a shadowed object.

Legolas screamed. Then he screamed again. 

"Noooooooooooooo….." He yelled "Not a –"

And there I finish my part of the story so that WinterRose gets the joy of writing…

Well if you want to flame me.. go ahead… It's so cold here… Just don't flame the others.. they might live somewhere nice…


End file.
